Rue McClanahan’s Matriarch Trilogy Begins with Children of the Bride

As I settle in for a couple of weeks stuck on the couch, avoiding the Omicron surge while immunosuppressed, it feels like the perfect time to embark on a study of one of TV’s most sacred trilogies: Rue McClanahan’s made-for-TV Bride series.

It all began in 1990 with Children of the Bride. The opening credits — featuring “Special Guest Star Patrick Duffy” and “Music by Yanni” — promise a memorable ride. The movie kicks off with Kristy McNichol dressed as a nun, and yes, I’ve got a screen grab ready for those intrigued by that visual. And look who’s back on screen, trying his best not to seem too gay — none other than Dynasty’s second Steven Carrington! These two are just a couple of McClanahan’s many on-screen children, each one more troubled than the last.

Yanni, channeling his inner Ennio Morricone, sets the scene.

The story starts with Margret Becker (played by McClanahan) and her much-younger boyfriend John Hix (Duffy) enjoying a romantic day at the park. Their matching eyeliner confirms their compatibility, but Margret is hesitant about the age gap. She’s 53, while John is 39 (the actors were actually 56 and 41), making him just a few years older than her eldest son.

When John pops the question, Margret hesitates. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but have you really thought this through? I love you, but… but… but… what will people say?” Rue delivers those triple buts with far less gravity than Bea Arthur would have in My First Love — but hey, the script doesn’t require it. John remains determined, and before long, they’re engaged, with Margret’s four adult kids en route for the wedding.

The Becker siblings, each carrying their own baggage, quickly take center stage. There’s Dennis (Jack Coleman, who replaced Al Corley as Steven on Dynasty), a relentless womanizer like their absentee father. Andy (Conor O’Farrell) dropped out of Harvard, paints boats, and is raising a daughter on his own. Mary (Kristy McNichol) is a nun with a not-so-well-hidden secret. And Anne (Anne Bobby), a twice-divorced, self-proclaimed man-eater at 24, offers gems like, “I’m castrating. Men love it.”

Their presence isn’t meant to derail Margret and John’s relationship, but rather to deliver scenes that feel like rejected coffee commercial scripts.

At one point, Margret laments, “I wish they were closer. They’ve all gone their own ways. Sometimes it feels like they don’t even know each other.” After a disastrous family dinner the night before the wedding, she apologizes to John for their behavior. But John brushes it off: “There’s nothing to apologize for. Dinner with my family? We all sat in silence. This is kind of fun.”

Fun, indeed — until things escalate into a full-blown brawl at the restaurant. This two-minute melee even drags in a pregnant woman and Andy’s young daughters. Yanni’s upbeat, jazzy score — complete with zany sax and piano — adds a hilariously awful layer to the chaos, rivaled only by the film’s chirpy intro and outro music, which wouldn’t feel out of place in a third-rate kids’ show from the late ’80s.

By the time the credits roll on this 95-minute spectacle, we’re no closer to understanding who Margret and John are or why they’re in love. In fact, the focus is more on the kids — especially Andy’s daughter. And while Anne’s sharp, saucer-eyed sarcasm threatens to turn every scene into Long Day’s Journey Into Night, the actress does some impressive heavy lifting.

Despite its flaws, I’m invested — maybe because I have nothing better to do — and ready to dive into the next installment.

Stay tuned for Baby of the Bride, where McClanahan embarks on a journey from Sicily to Ellis Island and, naturally, dabbles in a life of crime with her good friend Clemenza.